Whimsical

A Brief Encounter With A Woman

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15th May 2024

I had a brief encounter with a woman

She smiled and said so how old do you think I am

I said I’m 74 and I didn’t get there by answering questions like that

In my experience, there’s no answer to that question that won’t get me into trouble for being honest or being a smooth talker 

So, I’ll pass and say you’re looking good whatever your age 

And she smiled again and said you’re a wise man but I need someone to tell me I still look young

And then she left

Blu-Tack (it Cures the Handyman Blues)

Blu-Tack (it Cures the Handyman Blues)

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11th December 2017

Blu tack blu tack
There's nothing that can't be fixed
With blu tack blu tack
As long as it's properly mixed

You can use it to fill up holes
You can use it to stick things on walls
It has lots of different uses
When it's rolled into little balls

So if you're not the handyman type
Don't worry your poor little head
Don't get the handyman blues
Go buy some blu tack instead

Career Choices

Career Choices

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5th May 2018

(This was created as a challenge on one of our visits to Macleay Island when I said give me a word and I'll write a verse)

You're a lawn mower operator baby
You cut those stupid people down to size
They know not to mess with you
When they see that look in your eyes

You're an electrician baby
Fully charged and ready to go
You're totally wired for electric love
You're ready to go go go

You're a doctor baby
Write me a prescription for hot love
But you don't do it on the bottom
You prefer to be above

You're a mechanic baby
You've got my engine roaring
Fuel injection high octane
There's no way that you're boring

You're a baker baby
You know how to make me rise
Put me in your oven baby
Fill me full of sweet surprise

You're a computer programmer baby
You apply pure logic to the task
You talk in coded language
But you do anything I ask

You're a politician baby
You tell me what I want to hear
But you like erections not elections
On that, you are quite clear

You're a psychiatrist baby
You understand my mind
But when you analyse me
All my imperfections you will find

You're a truck driver baby
Oh yes you like to - drive your truck
But when you shift to top gear
I know that I'm in luck

You're a dentist baby
You like to play inside my mouth
But when you lecture me on oral hygiene
You encourage me to go down south

You're a rocket scientist baby
But you don't like to get there fast
You're about the journey not the destination
You much prefer to make it last

You're a teacher baby
You've taught me such a lot
I was such an ingenue
But now I know how to do the foxtrot

You're a vet baby
But you don't treat me like a dog
After we've been together
I sleep just like a hog

You're a policeman baby
And while I've never been arrested
The quality of your truncheon
Has surely been attested

You're a businessman baby
And you sure mean business with me
You check out all my assets
And forget my liabilities

You're an astronaut baby
You take me to the stratosphere
When I'm with you baby
I don't see nobody else here

You run a delicatessen store baby
But small goods aren't for you
You want everything in full measure baby
When I make sweet love to you

You're a hairdresser baby
Give me a wash & cut
Get down & dirty with me baby
But don't Treat me like a slut

You're a greengrocer baby
But you're anything but green with me
You give me full measure baby
Your ample shelf more than satisfied me

You're a banker baby
Yes you heard me right
I don't plan to make a withdrawal
When we get up close tonight

You're a lumberjack baby
But I'll cut you down to size
I'm less interested in the size of your tree
Than how you look into my eyes

You're an accountant baby
So I guess you're good with money
But the figures won't add up
Unless you treat me, special honey,

You're an economist baby
But don't make assumptions 'bout what I need
I'm looking for inflation
So my expectations you'll exceed

You're an artist baby
Your palette is so fine
Paint me any colour you choose
Just promise you'll be mine

You're a train driver baby
But you never run out of steam
You keep my engine running
And maintain my self-esteem

You're a fireman baby
I want to slide up and down your pole
And when my fire's burning bright
You can satisfy my soul

You're a beekeeper baby
You extract honey from my hive
And when you're around my honeypot
It feels good to be alive

You're a trainer baby
Teach me how to do it right
And when I've perfected my technique
We can fornicate all night

You're a sous chef baby
Cook me long & slow & tender
Baste me with your juices
Good feelings to engender

You're a sea captain baby
Set your compass heading south
Then lie down here beside me
And I'll tell you where to put your mouth

You're a songwriter baby
You write such beautiful rhymes
And when I spend time with you
We have such wonderful times

Coronavirus Blues

Coronavirus Blues

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19th April 2020

I've been siting here at home for weeks now
Just wishing I could leave and go outside
But the RV19 won't let me
Man I'm so lonesome I could cry

The lockdown's really cutting in now
There's no one on the streets except the cops
The RV19 has really taken over
But if I go out I'll likely end up as a corpse

I've got the Coronavirus blues
And I'm drinking too much booze
Well there's really not a lot else for me to do
I've watched everything on Netflix
And the TV's full of crap
And I'm stuck to this place like bloody glue

And Trump's really getting on my tit
Saying we have seen the worst of it
His brain is clearly disengaged
The very sight of him leaves me outraged

There's people dying everywhere
From LA up to Maine
Let's just hope Biden's campaign message hits the mark
And we never have to see Trump's face again

I've got the Coronavirus blues
And I'm drinking too much booze
Well there's really not a lot else for me to do
I've watched everything on Netflix
And the TV's full of crap
And I'm stuck to this place like bloody glue

So do the right thing people
Stay inside and keep your distance
The only way we'll beat this fucker
Is if we apply the rules with some persistence

I've got the Coronavirus blues
And I'm drinking too much booze
Well there's really not a lot else for me to do
I've watched everything on Netflix
And the TV's full of crap
And I'm stuck to this place like bloody glue

Don't spread the Coronavirus blues
You'll get a hangover much worse than from the booze
Just look after those around you
And we'll all come out the other side of this
Even though we'll probably never do another cruise

Don't Tease

Don't Tease

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23rd February 2013

She said please don't tease me
You'd better try to please me
Or I'm afraid I'll have to hurt you - (she said it with a smile)
But I wasn't taking any chances
So I made my best advances
And we rolled around among the shaggy pile

She sounded really vicious
But I found her quite delicious
So I followed her instructions to the tee
She said "you're quite a goer"
"And I could handle plenty more"
And she extracted three more hours out of me.

We had a nap when we were finished
I thought her ardour would be diminished
But she said "I'd like to start again if you don't mind"
I didn't really have it in me
but she said it quite threateningly
So I thought I should endeavour to be kind

She was a really lovely woman
But I said I'm only human
And I really need to sleep before I drop
Ske kissed me softly on the lips
And pressed her arse against my hips
And in the morning brought me croissants from the shop

Handyman Blues

Handyman Blues

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15th July 2013

I've got the handyman blues

Because everything's busted

And I don't have my Blue Tac

To make it all right

I could get out a hammer

Screwdriver etc

But I know I'd be at it

All bloody night

I know I'd be at it

forever and ever

And I know when I'd finished

It would still be broke

So what do you do when the blu tac's exhausted
You call in a tradesman to fix it up good
Or you go down to Bunnings and get some more blu tac
And if they look at you strangely
Tell them not to be rude

Higher

Higher

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17th October 2015

We were listening to the band
When she took me by the hand
She placed it on my knee
And then she whispered
higher honey higher

I stroked her gently as could be
And lawdy I could see
She was starting to perspire
So I stroked a little more
And the temperature began to soar

And she whispered higher honey higher
You're setting me on fire
So I got a little ice
Because I wanted to entice
And make it go a little slower

I knew it would be hard
So I tried a little lower
But she was losing her control
And she whispered from her very soul
Higher honey higher

So I did as I was told
That's what you do when you get old
And a smile came on her face
When I reached the perfect place
And she said lower honey lower

And can you go a little slower
I'm not in any hurry
So you don't have to worry
It's about the journey, not the destination
And I'm feeling some elation
So just take me in your own time
However long that takes

Independent Thought

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3rd October 2023

I thought I’d had an independent thought but I was wrong
The thought I thought I had
Didn’t last for very long
Before my wife filled up my head
With thoughts, she thought were better
And before you say a word, I didn’t know I’d let her

She put those thoughts inside my head
She said the cells in there were dead
I don’t know what I’d do without her contribution
Is this what Darwin meant by evolution

So instead of trying to think boys
Get yourself a wife
Save yourself some energy
Enjoy a simpler life
Just hold those thoughts you find, rattling around inside your head
And practice looking smarter that’s the way to get ahead

And if by chance you ever have an independent thought
Just keep it to yourself
It really won’t enhance your life
Best leave the thinking to your wife
 

Miserable Bastard Blues

Miserable Bastard Blues

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11th December 2017

Woke up this morning
Feeling like shit
Suggested to my lady
That she move over the bed a little bit

She gave me a look
That said don't push it mate
Or you'll be heading off damn quickly
Through the garden gate

I can be a miserable bastard
But I love that lady so
So I snuggled in beside her
And worked magic with my toe

She said that's much better lover
I think I'll let you stay
Now can you move your foot down further?
I think I want to play

I moved my left foot up and down her thigh
And it wasn't very long before I heard her sigh
So I took my little finger and ran it up and down her spine
She said keep on stroking lover 'cause you're doing mighty fine

The night was moving on
But she didn't want to stop
She said I'm just getting into my stride baby
Let's take it from the top
So I took her at her word
And I kissed her on the head
Then I slowly progressed down to the bottom of the bed

She wriggled and she wiggled
And she squealed a little bit
So I stroked her gently on the thigh
And she said now you're getting the hang of it
I don't remember much
After her fingers grabbed my crutch

But I don't feel such a miserable bastard any more

Misread Words

Misread Words

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12th December 2012

I thought you said above you
So I looked up to the sky
Then I realised you said "I love you"
And I smiled from eye to eye

Sometimes our ears deceive us
And we get the wrong idea
Sometimes what was said
Isn't what we hear

Sometimes you have to listen
Sometimes you have to hear
You have to keep your ears open
To avoid a salty tear

Sometimes our ears deceive us
And we get the wrong idea
Sometimes what was said
Isn't what we hear

I hope you'll always give me
The benefit of the doubt
If my response to what you said
Doesn't fit with what we're about

My hearing's not as good, as it used to be
My eyesight sometimes struggles to see what I should see
And if I lose my concentration and drift off to a dream
Just gently bring me back again and don't do it with a scream

Sometimes our ears deceive us
And we get the wrong idea
Sometimes what was said
Isn't what we hear

I know that you will trust me, to never cause you harm
I know you understand me 'cause that's part of your charm
So if I ever say something, that causes you to weep
Just ask me to repeat t before you go to sleep

'cause everything I do and everything I say, is intended to enhance
No, I'm sure I didn't say I'd like to take you to a dance
Just ask me to repeat myself and to enunciate my words
I know you can't hear me right because of those damn noisy birds

But when I say I love you
You can be sure you heard me right
You can ask me to repeat myself and I'll say it every night
I'll say it 'till you're tired of it although I don't really think you will
You heard me right the first time (No my name isn't bloody Bill)

Procrastination Blues (not quite finished yet!!)

Procrastination Blues (not quite finished yet!!)

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12th July 2013

I was gonna do this
I was gonna do that
I was gonna phone my mother
I was gonna feed the cat
I was gonna go to the city and buy myself new shoes
But I didn't get around to it
I got the procrastination blues

Yeh I got the blues
The procrastination blues
I got the blues
The procrastination blues

I was gonna get up
I was gonna read my book
I was gonna sort the office out
But I didn't even look
I was gonna write a song about what I was gonna do
But I didn't get around to it
I got the procrastination blues

Yeh I got the blues
The procrastination blues
I got the blues
The procrastination blues


I was gonna write a novel
I was gonna cook a meal
I was gonna get religion
But I didn't want to feel a fool
I was gonna get a job so I could pay my dues
But Ididn't get around to it
I got the procrastination blues

Yeh I got the blues
The procrastination blues
I got the blues
The procrastination blues

I was going to be a politician
And try to do some good
But I don't believe in anything
so I thought that would be rude
I was gonna get a password and go out on a cruise
But Ididn't get around to it
I got the procrastination blues

Yeh I got the blues
The procrastination blues
I got the blues
The procrastination blues

Smile

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2nd January 2024

I smiled
She smiled
I thought yes! She’s into me
But no, she was just smiling
Not at me
Just smiling
It was just the way she was
And once I got over my embarrassment, I was cool with that